My Year As Ozzy - By Don Wrege

>>> currently in second draft - seeking agents and publishers <<<

"MY YEAR AS OZZY"

by Don Wrege

Can thousands of Ozzy fans be wrong?
Well, yes.

Willie Nelson, Rodney Dangerfield, Neil Diamond, Jack Nicholson and Ozzy Osbourne walk into a bar. It sounds like the first line of a bad joke but for me it was the start of the strangest year of my life.

Just three weeks after I'd asked a friend to take some pictures of me as Ozzy just for fun, I was onstage at The Imperial Palace and hanging out with other fake celebrities in Las Vegas. Two weeks after that I was flown to New York by ABC, then to Chicago's NBC studios. It was, as Ozzy would say, a crazy train. All of this because people think I look like him.

"My Year As Ozzy" follows Don's journey through Ozzy's reality and the fake world of celebrity look-alikes.

--EXCERPTS (pdf)--

Appearing in the VH1Video Music Awards Program	(From Chapter 2) Celebrity photographer Dewey Nicks, hired by VH1 to do a "Church of Worship" themed awards program, was photographing rock and roll celebrity look-alikes in Vegas. I appeared with a fake Britney Spears in a bridal suite shoot that still haunts me-from the book: "Wait, stay down there," the photographer yelled, "Britney, ride him like a pony!" Within an instant she had mounted me. I started crawling around the room yelling, "Sharon!!" and Britney did a good job of staying on as we meandered around the carpet, flashes going off every few seconds. "Great, great! Keep going!" Dewey yelled, trading his camera for a fresh one. Britney was grinding her muff into the base of my spine, which was distracting me greatly from the task at hand. I don't know to this day if she was simply keeping her balance or enjoying herself and frankly I do not care. Read Excerpts - (pdf)
Don is introduced onstage to the Las Vegas House of Blues crowd as Ozzy and the crowd buys it.	(From Chapter 4) An announcer somewhere yelled into the PA system, "Ozzy's in the house!" to a roar. We made it about three-quarters of the way around the club, passing briefly through the dancefloor, when a large bouncer with a House of Blues tee-shirt walked up. "Oh oh," I thought. "The party's over. I've been discovered." Instead he leaned in close to my left ear and yelled over the din, "Sir, management would appreciate it if you'd get up on stage and say hello to the crowd." I was shocked and amused, but keeping my head down I mumbled, "Sure, alright, rock and roll!" He said "Follow me." Read Excerpts - (pdf)
Appearing on The Jenny Jones Show (eventually twice)	(From Chapter 5) My first exposure to daytime television from the inside was disturbing. The producer informed us in the Green Room, "You realize our audience is made up of angry unemployed people who know the only way to get their face on TV is to attack you." No, I didn't. Since Ozzy is easier to "do" drunk, I steeled myself with four beers for breakfast before the taping. The waitress asked, "Sir, are you okay?" I said, "Sure, I'm just getting ready for work." Read Excerpts - (pdf)
Mooning The OzzFest in Denver	(From Chapter 6) Denver shock jocks "Lewis and Floorwax" from 103.5 The Fox, took me in a double-stretch limo, followed by a broadcast truck and a station PR vehicle around Denver the morning The OzzFest was in town. The live on-air stunt lasted the entire drive-time program culminating in "Ozzy" greeting the 500+ kids waiting to get in, (they bought it) and in leaving the scene, mooning the cheering crowd-all live on the air. Read Excerpts - (pdf)
Appearing as "Ozzy" at the 2003 Kentucky Derby	(From Chapter 11) "Getting the crowd excited is one thing," the National Guardsman said, "But when you mooned them we decided that you represented a security risk." Read Excerpts - (pdf)
Appearing as "Ozzy" at a $60,000 wedding in New York	(From Chapter 12) By this time cocktail hour was over and these people were happy. I was surrounded by three drunks who started singing the chorus, "I'm going off the rails on a crazy train!" I noticed one who seemed to be the alpha tux, so I guessed wrongly that he was the groom. In any case he and I sang pretty good harmony. Then the guitar lead started. Knowing I had a good minute to fill with nonsense, I whipped out my Stunt Dove and orbited the room making sure everyone and the cameras got a good look at it. Then, at a dramatic part in the firely solo, I cleanly bit the head off the styrofoam bird, projectile expectorating it half-way across the banquet room. Read Excerpts - (pdf)

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